Ahhh I want to write something!

4/25/2025

Okay, it's been a while since I wrote anything in here and I've been dying to yap to this little corner of the internet! I've been feeling a bit tired, and possibly burned out. However, I'm not sure how to rest? The way I've always rested is by doing something I enjoy. Maybe I need to tone things down and do something passive, like watching a show or reading more? But my problem is that my concentration is so bad when I'm not actively thinking or moving my hands, so I often have to do something else even when I'm watching a show. Perhaps, it is time for me to take a dopamine detox break haha...

Recently, I've been making some little games in Godot. I started making a home decorating game where the player has to earn money through mini-games to buy prettier furniture for their apartment. However, the scope might've been a little too big for me. I worked on it for two weeks, and I got stuck. This might be currently out of my technical abilities, especially for a non-professional coder like me who just learned the engine. So, instead, I started working on a jam-style project: a pomodoro timer for your desktop! This little game features a frog who fish for you when you're working, and you can sell the fish to buy decorations or you can place them in your aquarium. I currently already have the fishing and timer features, but I need to work on the inventory of fish you caught, the aquarium, selling function, decorations, more fish sprites, and a pop-up window that shows you what fish you caught at the end of your pomodoro session. It certainly is a handful! On top of this, I got a new contract job through some connections, so sometimes I don't have as much time to work on my stuff as I wanted. Ughhh coding is so hard sometimes, the language is easy enough to pick up, but coming up with the logics can be a big headache.

Speaking of coding. I feel like code can be equated to magic. In novels where magic exists, the caster usually uses a strange language in a specific way to manipulate their environment. Isn't code kind of like the same thing? The programmer is a mage who cause things to happen by arranging a strange language in a specific way to create whatever they want. This is the closest thing to magic being real, and I'm all for it as a fantasy nerd. When I took an introductory course in coding during university, I hated it. But now I'm manipulating my 'environment' with code in my own way, I feel like a rogue magician. It's definitely changed my perspective on computer science from something torturous to something that is challenging but rewarding. However, I just wish the people who code are cooler, instead of being stinky tech bros with stinky personalities... Of course, this is not a general statement, I've met engineers who are cool people as well. But I just wish I didn't have some of the experiences I had with other programmers, especially as a queer woman.

If you were snooping on my site, you probably noticed that I was working on some research papers. Yeah... I've placed that on hold. I'm almost done with the literature review for it, and I think the research has a lot of potential. But I just got so busy all of sudden, and I wanted to finish my jam game first. I was originally doing the research to help me learn more about linguistics and give me the opportunity to contact scholars in the field, especially since I'm going to grad school. But recently, there's been a bit of a change of plan. I'm still going to apply to schools this year, but for my masters in Speech Language Pathology instead. I don't know if I can truly survive in academia, so I think it's best to do something specialized in the medical field. So many pHD students and post-grads I've talked to have mentioned being financially challenged because of their choice to go into academia. I still wish to learn more and do research, but I think that I need to make some money first so I'm not reliant on my parents for the next decade. My dad is not the type who values education and will most likely not support me. Besides, I can always go for a pHD later in my life, when I'm financially ready. So the research is being put on hold because it is not as high priority anymore, and I needed something I can do rather quickly to gain a sense of accomplishment lol.

Hmm at the end of writing this, I've come to realize that maybe my tiredness or burnout stems from having too much I want to do but never enough time or energy. I need to remind myself to take things slow, and that good results will only come if I take my time and conserve my energy. Anyways, I think I will take a break today and watch anime, even though that makes me feel a bit guilty haha. Perhaps I can recharge enough to chip away at my game later today, and hopefully bring my pomodoro timer to a finish in the next week or so!

You should keep creating even when nobody gives a fuck.

4/3/2025

I am someone who just loves making things. I once received advice that I can find my life purpose by doing some introspection and finding what I can't live without. For me, that is the ability to create. It doesn't matter if it's art or craft or something else, I cannot imagine a life worth living if I can't keep creating. However, in today's world, people who create are constrained by social media. Manipulating the algorithm masterfully is the key to success, there is nothing more important than letting others see your creations. I struggled with this personally for a long time, and it limited my ability to create and explore. When I don't get enough views and likes, it affects my self worth. I was also intimidated by trying new things, such as making videos, thinking that my beginner camera and video editing skills would not get me any viewers. Once that mindset takes over, my spirit to create is subdued, and I end up creating less and making things that are not meaningful to me. I felt intense jealousy when I see people making things they love and succeeding, and I prayed for such luck myself.

In the past year, I went through an overwhelming amount of difficult changes, at least for little 22 years old me. I graduated after going to school for 16 years right into a failing job market and economy. I tried to land jobs by tailoring myself to be as appealing to companies as possible, and it made me the most depressed I've ever been since my ex's parents outed me to my own parents. I learned the hard way that nobody really cares, even when they promise that they will be able to help you. Finally, I snapped. Why the FUCK should I live my life this way, so unhappy and limited? Why do I have to put what I really want to do on hold??? Why should I appeal to employers, whose only goal is to use me for my skills and dump me when I'm no longer useful? I realized this also applies to people who engage with the things you make. Not that employers or content consumers are horrible people, I'm extremely sure that everyone is lovely and I personally love all the people who interacted with my art. However, as a fellow content consumer, I understand that we only have limited time to engage with something that interests us. It may be that we just click on what the algorithm shows us or the content doesn't interest us, but we don't have the time to see everything that is made out there. But why should I be defined by how many people like my stuff? I no longer want to create for other people, I want to create for myself. The process is usually what I enjoy the most about creating things. As long as I have fun, that should be enough. Even when I am a beginner at something and it's normal that others don't find my stuff engaging, we all have to start somewhere to get to somewhere else. I redefined my definition of success from something that yielded visible "results" to just being happy doing my own thing. And who knows, something you think might flop might resonate with others. I learned that this is possible thanks to my tattoo career.

I would call this new-found spirit the "indie creator spirit." It's indie because it's detached from the definition of mainstream content creation success. True to my own words, I started a YouTube channel to share some shitty little videos that I'm dying to make even though I've never made a video before. I've barely gotten a total of 30 views in all my videos so far, but I had so much fun creating that nothing else matters. And it's such an honor to have that many people look at your stuff. Imagine 30 people in your room right now! That's a shit ton of people, and they would not fit in here without violating health code. My mom said that nobody would watch my video for a variety of different reasons, but that doesn't really matter to me. I like talking to myself all the time anyways, what does it matter if nobody cares? Plus, I'm just starting out, who knows how much better I'll get if I just keep it up? Your own mom can be your biggest opp for real.

Anyways, I encourage you to just make things for the sake of it! Don't let anything take away your artistic spirit!

End of March Ramble

3/31/2025

HELLO HELLOO! This is my first blog post on this website haha! Making this website has been so much fun, from coding everything from scratch with near zero knowledge and just going off vibes to completing something that exceeded my expectation + allows me to better visualize my personal goals, this has truly been transformative. Ugh this sounds like LinkedIn talk, I've been on there for too long...

I rushed to my computer after bed-rotting all morning to write this, because I have a lot to say and I need to dump it on here now. Bed-rotting might seem like a bad habit to my parents, but for me it's my precious moment of contempation. I am catching up on news and thinking up of life changing ideas as I stay cozy in my bed. It's my version of dads reading newspapers at breakfast. Today's bed-rot session led me to contemplate my professional career. For almost a year, I was applying for corporate roles, and ending up empty-handed. I don't actually want to work for corporate -- sure, the benefits are really nice and pay is usually really good -- this is something that my mom wants for me instead. My lack of passion to work in my selected industry of UI/UX and product design really shows up in my portfolio and my applications. I've always thought of UI/UX design as a fake job, because I never admired how 'good' a user interface is in apps and websites. I don't blame recruiters for passing over me, actually I thank them. I think everything happens for a reason, and the reason why I can't be hired by corporate is to redirect me to live my own life, not my parents'. I gain way more satisfaction when I am my own boss, creating the things I want, like this website. Right now, I've been freed from this mindset of go-corporate-or-die, I am teeming with ideas and inspirations. Life is not linear at all, and I've never been the type of person to stick with one thing, I've always explored and tried whatever I wanted.

However, I still need to make money. Most of my projects are out of passion, not monetization. Fortunately, I am living rent free at home, and my past-self gifted me with the invaluable skill of tattooing, which I both enjoy and can make a living on. Once again, everything happens for a reason, old me trying out tattooing out of curiosity prepared me for the life I am meant to live. Tattooing was also life-changing, I met my closeset friend through this trade and it validated me as an artist. Even though my apprenticeship was rocky and my mentor was lowkey evil, it provided me with insights to better protect myself as I run my own businesses.

I am also doing design work for minimum wage at a startup. I think it is through here that I realized that I could not survive in a corporate setting where my creativity becomes extremely limited. Since the hours are flexible, I am only working two hours a day for them because I simply cannot stand doing this anymore. Currently, I have multiple projects going on, and I do not have the time to do the things I don't want to do.

For one, I am preparing to get into pHD programs. I'm not sure if I want to stick with academia in the future, but I want to connect with people knowledgable in psycholinguistics and conduct my own research for a while. I was hesitating before because I heard from many that getting a pHD actually limits your career options. But now I've decided that I don't need to work in corporate and realized I can always somehow feed myself with my skills, I've freed myself to just try things out. Right now, I lack a lot of research experiences required to get into grad school, since the research opportunities at UC Berkeley are scarce and competitive and I was only able to snatch one due to connections with the researcher. Therefore, I am letting my passions show through conducting self-directed research of my own and writing about the research materials I read. I'll be posting them here so keep an eye out!

I attended the Game Developer Conference earlier this month because I've been looking into the industry. I was really inspired by the indie games people were making, and thought why not make my own stuff and showcase it at next year's GDC? Plus, I have a mentor who is really excited to see what I come up with. I'm still brainstorming the game design of my indie game and learning Godot, but I hope I'll have something playable to show in the next few months.

So much to do! All this on top of doing my taxes and driver's license renewal, which I've been putting off. And I need to make some business cards, which I increasingly realized I need. I'm treating myself during down-times to reading fun books and crocheting a sweater. As someone with ADHD who hypefixates whenever I have a passion project going on, I've come to realize that taking a break to do something else I enjoy is the key to preventing burnout. I often have to tell myself that it's better to let something 'marinate' for a bit, instead of working obsessively. Marinated projects usually turns out better too because my brain and energy is fresh when I work on it again. Well, thanks for reading my ramble, I hope you keep checking Mish Corner for my updates! See you next time!